Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

A grisly bear surprised hunters sitting by a campfire. When one hunter ran away, the other shouted that you can't outrun a grisly bear. The running hunter replied that he didn't have to outrun the bear, he only had to outrun the other hunter.

Q: Do you know why many married women are heavier than single women?
A: Because when single women come home they check to see whats in the fridge, then go to bed. When married women come home, they check to see what is in the bed, then go to the fridge!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Do you know how you can tell that your wife is a really bad cook? When she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

A sailor hired on as the first mate to a merchant ship back in the days of the pirates. After a few days on the open seas the crew spied a pirate ship on the horizon. The captain shouted to the first mate, "Hurry, go to my cabin and get me my red shirt!" The first mate did as he was told and the captain donned the red shirt. A furious battled ensued, but the pirates were driven back and the merchant ship cruised on victorious. Two days later they again spotted a pirate ship cruising toward them and the captain shouted, "Quick! Go to my cabin and get me my red shirt!" The first mate got him the red shirt and a terrible battle was underway with the pirates. The merchant ship won the battle and sailed on into the night. Two days went by and they saw two pirate ships on the horizon. The captain shouted to the first mate, "Hurry! Go get me my red shirt!" - and the first mate quickly obeyed. Again, the merchant ship valiantly fought off the two pirate vessels and sailed away victorious. Finally the first mate could no longer mask his curiosity and he asked the captain, "What is there about that shirt that makes you win your battles? Does it bring you simple luck? Is it a mystical shirt?" The captain laughed and said, "Oh, nothing as unusual as that - I simply wear my red shirt so that if I am cut in the heat of battle my enemies and my own sailors won't see that I am wounded. It gives the impression that I am in a stronger position." A week later they spied TEN pirate ships cruising toward them. The captain turned to the first mate and shouted, "Quick! Go to my cabin and get me my brown pants!"

One day a gorilla walked in to a bar, sat down on one of the barstools, placed a ten dollar bill on the bar, and ordered a martini. The bartender was unsure what to do, so he ducked in the back room and asked his boss how to handle the situation. His boss said, "Hey, just pour him the martini and give him a dollar in change - a gorilla won't know the difference." The bartender went back to the bar, poured the gorilla a martini and gave him a one dollar bill. After a few minutes the bartender decided to try and make some conversation with the gorilla and said, "Gee, you know, we don't get many gorillas in here." And the gorilla said, "Well, no wonder, at nine bucks a shot!"

If a man is bald on the back of his head, it is a sign that he is very sexy. If he is bald in the front of his head, it means he is a great thinker. But if he is bald all over his head, then it means he thinks he is sexy.

Three guys went out hunting and they brought some bottles of whiskey with them. They were sitting around in the cabin that night by the fire talking. The first guy says, "I'll bet I can go out there in those woods and be back with a bear in half an hour," and they all slapped down a $100 bill and bet he couldn't do it. Then they all drank some more whiskey. The next guy says, "I bet I can go out with just a knife and be back in half an hour with a bear - and they each slapped $200 down to bet he couldn't do it. They sat for another hour drinking and by now they were all smashed. The third guy says, "I'll bet I can go out there with my bare hands and in a half an hour be back with a bear." The other two say, "Fine. Lets see you do it," and they each slap down their money. He gets outside, where there is snow on the ground and its just freezing cold. The cold air sobers him up a little and he thinks, "What on earth am I doing out here?" and heads back to the cabin. Just then he hears a big ROAR! Its a huge bear. He runs for the cabin and the bear runs after him. He comes to the door and turns the handle, opens the door, and trips over the welcome mat, falling flat on his face. The bear is running so fast that he can't stop and he runs right over the guy and on in to the room. The fellow looks up and yells, "Skin this one fellows, I'll be back in a half an hour with another one."